Sometimes I miss who I used to be, sometimes I think it’s a blessing in disguise that I’ve changed. I didn’t know that for months I’ve been suffering with PTSD. It’s truly drained me. But at the same time I’ve been stripped back naked to find out who I actually am, without the materialistic things, without the fake Instagram posts; cos lets be honest.. no one gets a lot of likes for posting a picture of themselves in their pjs and no make up on a Saturday night. Instagram is a collage of the best moments in your life. Not the moments you’re struggling to get out of bed because your anxiety feels like a rope has tied you around the posts of it, not the moments your trying to be silently sick in the staff toilets because you don’t want to get in trouble for being off sick again. This isn’t a post to make you all feel sorry for me. This is a post to say that whatever you’re struggling with, you can get through it. Life is a bitch. Your brain is a bitch but remember that it’s YOUR brain and you get to rule it, and train it to be kind.
I tried anti-depressants, but I’m not depressed. The amount of times the doctor has written me a prescription for different medication after I’ve tried to explain how I feel, and did I bother submitting them into the chemist? Did I fuck.
Do you know what helps heal your physiological pain? Or what helped me? Being honest with myself. Writing things down, spending less on ASOS deliveries and more on seeing my beautiful niece get bigger and start to roll over and smile at every word I say to her.
Crashing my car was heartbreaking. Guess what? I’ve had 3 crashes in my newer car. One time the whole front bumper came off in the middle of a village and I didn’t even flinch. I couldn’t even be bothered to get out and look at it! Because it’s just a car. It’s got black tape on the boot and scuffs on the alloys but its mine, it still gets me from A to B and I love it.
Usually I would write some tips to help you deal with anxiety or PTSD but I can’t. Because everyones experience is different. I can only tell you whats helped me. And if it helps just one person then I’m happy.
I stopped watching TV religiously. Call me a loser but TV got so boring and predictable. We were brought up in a home where it was a crime if you spoke a word past 7 because Emmerdale was on. If you actually concentrate on the soaps you’ll know the outcome within the first episode of the story line. And if it’s happened on Emmerdale, it’s gonna happen on Eastenders. And I couldn’t be arsed to spend my whole day focusing on who killed who or who’s having an affair. They aren’t real people. And that’s the problem with society, we focus on people who don’t matter, who get paid to post pictures with teeth whitening kits that they’ve never used, fad diets that young girls believe can drop 10 pounds in a day when in reality all you do is sit on the toilet and shit out gorillas for three weeks.
I often sit and ask myself how life would pan out if social media never existed? Couples would actually look at each other over the table at a meal, people would have to actually open a window to check what the weather is like and maybe more than an inch of our lives would be private. Because people make assumptions on your posts, your photos and before they’ve even met you they have an opinion. That’s the secret. Live a private life, have fun at concerts without videoing the whole thing, go on random road trips because I’m telling you now you’ll find something beautiful. I’ve seen better looking places in the UK than I have in Dubai, Italy and New York and I didn’t know they were there and those unexpected finds or moments will mean more to you than anything else.
Get to know your loved ones, ask how they are to their face instead of writing on their statuses and meet your soul mate unexpectedly. I will never completely abandon social media nor be proud or show off things that I have, but they are always things I have worked hard for. It’s ok to be inspired and look up to people on social media, but the right and real people.
We make rash decisions to impress others. Couples get together, go on holiday straight away and bicker every day at the hotel because its not right but feel spending money on a fancy hotel will bring them closer and portray that they’re happy. You shouldn’t have to spend large amounts of money to enjoy the company of someone you love. What feels right is when you miss an event that you would usually go to or take a break from things people expect you to do, buckle down and do it once a year, not five and I guarantee you’ll have the best time of your life.
Who are we all trying to impress? Cos it’s not ourselves. And why are we all trying to be like each other? Because you’re you. No one else can be you and that’s your superpower.
Having flashbacks of trauma used to scare the shit out of me. Now when I get them, it’s a quick reminder to appreciate the little things in life cos I’m still here. PTSD has made me learn from difficulties, helped me develop positive life skills, coping mechanisms and focus on the brighter and important side of things.
Thanks for reading x