It was my birthday at the beginning of the month and I’ve seen posts like this before, but instead they’re ‘24 things I’ve learnt in 24 years’. I’ve made mine a little bit different, because it’s been the hardest year for me so far and that really is common knowledge. From moving out, to crashing my car, to being car-less in the snow many miles from work, suffering terribly from anxiety and everything else just going against me. It feels like from September time my year of good luck or having no stress has only just started! It’s been the biggest learning curve for me and so that’s why my post is inspired by 2018.
Sometimes I miss who I used to be, sometimes I think it’s a blessing in disguise that I’ve changed. I didn’t know that for months I’ve been suffering with PTSD. It’s truly drained me. But at the same time I’ve been stripped back naked to find out who I actually am, without the materialistic things, without the fake Instagram posts; cos lets be honest.. no one gets a lot of likes for posting a picture of themselves in their pjs and no make up on a Saturday night. Instagram is a collage of the best moments in your life. Not the moments you’re struggling to get out of bed because your anxiety feels like a rope has tied you around the posts of it, not the moments your trying to be silently sick in the staff toilets because you don’t want to get in trouble for being off sick again. This isn’t a post to make you all feel sorry for me. This is a post to say that whatever you’re struggling with, you can get through it. Life is a bitch. Your brain is a bitch but remember that it’s YOUR brain and you get to rule it, and train it to be kind.
Today I saw my friend dip her quaver into a cup of tea. No, this is not a drill, a cup of tea.. And she looked at me like I was the freak when I asked her why she was abusing that innocent crisp. And it got me thinking, we’ve all got our guilty pleasures. They’re the things we do when we think no one is watching, the things we get excited about when we’re home alone. Whether it’s ordering enough takeaway to feed a small family, having a weird celebrity crush cough ~ how cute is Tom Jones ~ cough or stealing soaps and toiletries from hotel rooms.
It’s been a tough week for me. I crashed my car and the insurance company have been fucking morons to say the least. I’ve felt frustrated about being in pain, taking time off work and having no transport meaning I have been away from my own home comforts. I’ve realised how independent I am and I’ve felt trapped. I’m usually a very positive person however this week I’ve been quiet due to knowing I had to take some time out to look after myself.
Let’s face it. Living at home does come with its perks. Depending on the arrangement you have with your parents, you could live rent free, enjoy home cooked meals and have the washing done for you. But the one thing that you don’t have is your independence. I wanted to move out to have my own space, take control of my life, learn to cook fancy food, have my own rules and grow as a person. But its not easy at first!
I love getting comments from people about my blog. They tell me how they get lost in my writing, making them feel like they want to explore and that’s why I do it. But I wanted to write something more personal this week, to help connect with my readers and hopefully help others through a difficult time or break up. And since it’s International Women’s Day, I thought it would be a good idea to talk about it.